“This mishap can never happen to me but I do feel for people who are affected by it”. I always used to think this whenever I heard of some girl who has being raped. This issue prevails in our society since ages and no one really thinks about paying heed to this, because this has become so ‘common’ that people are not at all willing to bring it in concern.
You can be the girl who doesn’t fall for anyone easily, someone who is strong enough to stay feeling-less about any guy, someone for whom this temporary thing is known as ‘love’ these days has always been so useless and someone to whom the meaning of life was far different than just falling and getting committed to these sucky things called ‘relationships’
My life was going on the smooth tracks when I met a guy, who was a few years older than me, and I somehow fell head over heels in love with him because of the ways he used to treat me that no one ever treated me before. His appearance, his looks, his voice, the smile, the eyes, the macho-physique, the tallness in height and the darkness in complexion, you know any girl can slip as you never know when your heart can start skipping beats over someone. This was exactly what happened to me, the girl who used to stay ‘out-of-love’ all her teenage years.
Anyone would be taken aback by his appearance, and naturally so was I. A weakest night it was when I invited him over, the night I am sure I will regret about till eternity. Fast forward, one little blunder led to a bigger mistake and I was aware that how much he is into me and how he was to do ‘things’ with me but I never knew when and how it went so far.
My shrieking voice was uttering these words:
“You are hurting me”
“We didn’t decide any such thing”
“Let me go”
“How can you … “ *pause*
Followed by the attempts to get away from him, his only words that I could barely remember were:
And that was it. One stern look left me paralyzed. The very next hours of my life were the ones where my mind stopped working, I kept laying dead, with opened eyes. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t speak, I could think of what I ‘ve done to my life. I couldn’t even decide how easily I have given someone the charge over to ruin my whole life.
After he was done, all he said to me was “you think I actually loved you? Silly girl, get a life”
And then, he walked away out of the door, taking away my pride, taking away by virginity.
After few months, I came to terms what actually happened. The guy I thought I can trust and rely on and the guy I thought can never betray be ruined my life and acted like nothing has happened. It took me 4 months to get out of this trauma. It was all me who allowed him to get physical and he raped me. It took me another month to stop thinking and stop crying about it.
Every night like clockwork, as I lay on the same side of the bed where I was raped, it came back to me. Every, single, night. I needed to let it out. Scream. Shout. So I opened up to a friend.
That friend of mine was in love with me, and I knew it but I couldn’t do anything to value his feelings because my own feelings died. He told me that nothing will ever change the way he felt about me but I was never ready to allow him to step into my life to be my life-partner because I never knew how to tell him about what happened. How he never deserved someone as a wife who is not a virgin. But somehow I managed to let it all out one day, and he consoled me, assumed me that things will remain the same and no bitter truth can affect him or the feelings he keeps for me.
Therefore, my life gradually got better. He made me accept that not all men are same. Bad people do bad things but not all men are bad. Life and things get better. Our mistakes are forgotten and the time we decide to let it heal, we start healing all our wounds. But all I want to girls to know it, keep your relationships far away than the physical contacts. No matter how much the trust, no matter how much the love and no matter how much the assuring-talks to get to hear every day, never allow someone to get that space where they can some and ruin your dignity and self-respect. Relationships are far more than just the ‘nudes’ and ‘physicality’.